an open letter to my mom;

It’s been almost a year since I embarked on my self-healing journey. I have so much to share since, but for now I will share a sneak-peak of my writing. Throughout my healing journey, writing has been so therapeutic to me. I have my therapist to thank so much for this. Writing was the core of my therapy, and it’s almost like my therapist was made for me. (Thank you so much, Tania).

It’s been a few months since I have talked to my mom. My heart is heavy, but I made the decision that was best for my mind and my family. It’s sad to finally be a mom, and to not have my mom with me to experience all these firsts.

This quarantine brought back some heavy feelings, so I did what I knew.

I wrote. (A special thank you to Rupi Kaur. If you do not follow her on IG, I highly recommend you do. She hosted a special (and free) writing workshop. It was exactly what my soul needed during a time like this.)

Here ya have it:

Mom, I’ve been dying to tell you
That I miss you.
I long for maternal guidance.
You’re broken and flawed.
But I see so much of your goodness in me –
The Mother Bear Instinct,
The laughter an inappropriate times
Your perseverance to truck along, no matter how tough the going gets.

You may not be what I need at the moment, but you are what I need in my future.
I fear that time is slipping away.
I fear that I may lose you without so much as a goodbye.
I’m scared.
I fear that I am wrong, though I know I am not.
But still, this does not change how much I miss you.

I wish that things were different.
I wish you knew your worth.
I wish your mom loved you like you needed.
I blame her, because it’s easier than blaming you.

I miss your smell – a sweet mixture of your go-to perfume and fabric softener (boy, you love laundry so).
I miss your willingness to save the world, when you cannot even save yourself.

I wonder what kind of mom you would have been, had the world been easier on your soul.
Had your dad not abused you.
Had your mom not abandoned you.
Had my dad chosen you over drugs.
Had your husband loved you the deserve.
Would you have hugged me more?
Would you have wiped my tears?
Would you have protected me?
Would you be here now?

I long for a mom.
Being a mom is hard, but having no mom during a time like this is harder.
And I’m doing my best.
But still, I miss you.

Stay tuned for more. I hope this helps those struggling with something similar.

Sending so much love.